This is me...in all my blue-ness...

A mother's love

There is absolutely nothing in this world that can prepare you for the emotional eruption that takes place upon cooking up and delivering a child into the world. I would honestly have to say that I grew up like most girls daydreaming about the babies I would one day have. Who I would have them with. What their names would be. A boy and a girl. Perfect in every way. With beautiful eyes and beautiful hearts. World changers. Healers. My husband and I would be in nuclear family heaven complete with two dogs and a white picket fence. I concocted fantasy after fantasy starting at the tender age of seven. It is amazing to me how a child still developing so quickly every day, still growing, and changing can even fathom the idea of having a child, but the daydream lived on. Year after year, growing and changing with me. I would have to say that once I hit my mid twenties this changed drastically. At this point the reality of what having a child meant for my independence sunk in and I realized that I may never want children. Did I really want to give up the ability to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted? Did I want to bring another life into this already crowded and severely damaged world. Did I want the responsibility of another human being and how they turned out as adults? I started seeing all of the grey hair I gave my parents in between visits to the salon and I thought to myself..."it's a cute idea, but probably not for someone like me." I am much to selfish, much to self absorbed, and way to spontaneous to ever get tied down by kids. I was still open to the idea of getting married, just not the kids part of married life. I was so determined I didn't want children that I decided I physically couldn't have them so there was nothing to worry about anyway. Maybe I'd adopt someday, yeah, that sounds nice.
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Fast forward to age 28. I am married for a short 8 hours and I am PREGNANT! Only I don't know, although I will soon find out.

One month after getting married-to the day- I found out I was one month to the day preggers. Nothing could have gotten me ready for the results on that little stick. I was so certain I wasn't pregnant I wasn't even paying attention to the test on my left. When I went to grab it certain of what it was going to say I felt a shock I have never before experienced.

I was actually able to see the heartbeat of my future son the day after I found out. Watching that screen I had a glimpse into a love that was going to grow and multiply daily for the rest of my life. A love unlike any other love. Unconditional love...I had heard of it all my life in church and how Jesus had this love for me. But I had never experienced it first hand.
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Fast forward 10 months. Caleb Bela Caballero was conceived on my wedding night, due on Easter, and born on Passover. His name is out of the Old Testament book of Numbers. If you look up his story you will find this verse: "But My servant Caleb , because he has had a different spirit and has followed Me fully , I will bring into the land which he entered , and his descendants shall take possession of it." Numbers 14:24

So powerful.

The day he was born was by far the most important and emotionally charged day of my life. Meeting him face to face, this little one I had dreamed up in so many ways, so many years before, was amazing. He was perfect in every way, with beautiful eyes and a beautiful heart. A world changer, a healer. On this day I felt what can only be labeled as "a mother's love", and I continues to grow and multiply daily. As I finish this blog I can hear him stirring. Waking up from his morning nap. My heart jumps at every moment I have with him.

A love like no other.

Let's see if I can break the curse...

I am notorious for starting things like this, writing a few posts, and then ignoring it for months on end. I have decided that this is the year for breaking bad/annoying habits like this one. I will do my best to write on this thing daily. I know I'll appreciate looking back on it.

the six month blessing

My child turned six months old on tuesday...Everyone told me to "just give it six months". It has most definately gotten easier even in the last few days. We are finally starting a real schedule which is allowing me to get more done. Caleb is also getting so much more interactive and in turn a lot funner to be around. A lot less crying, a lot more laughing. It's amazing watching him grow and develop into a little man.

hmmmmm....

I'm not feeling myself these days...It's quite hard to hang onto an old you with a new baby. My son has taken over my everything. It is quite sobering becoming a mother. You gain something irreplaceable and precious, but you also sacrifice. Everyday...I pray that I can see through my own selfishness daily and realize the great blessing making razzberries on the floor.

After a recent much needed 24 hours to myself in SF I came to realize that nothing in this world means more to me than my family. This is something new for me, and yet I feel as my friend Amanda put it that "I wear motherhood well". As I uncomfortably bounced in the corner of the club last night I found that I had to constantly redirect my mind from my baby to the music. It was exhausting trying to shut out the thoughts of my loved ones tucked in safe and warm whilst I tried to relive a part of me that has retired. Perspective is always good, I got that last night.

My two boys...Man if you would have told me even two years ago that this is where I'd be today, I'd be so shocked. My life has been quite the perverbial rollercoaster... mostly by my own creation. Three years ago I was so lost, messed up, angry...Today I am happy, whole, and content. When I promised Jesus at the tender age of ten that I would be His forever, I meant it. Forgetting that over the years and doing my own thing cost me a lot, but my beautiful Jesus is the Great restorer. He not only gave me back everything I gave away, He gave me so much more than I had ever expected in this life. I am an need of nothing and have everything overflowing. Every day is a gift in this beautiful life.